The Reassurance Trap: Why Your OCD Loved One Keeps Asking "Am I OK?": Understanding compulsive reassurance-seeking and how to respond
How Families Can Support Loved Ones with OCD
When someone you love has obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), you might hear urgent requests like “Just tell me I’m safe!” or “Do you think I’m a bad person?”
It’s natural to want to reassure them. Unfortunately, frequent reassurance—no matter how loving—can actually strengthen OCD’s grip.
Reassurance Seeking: The Hidden Compulsion
In OCD, reassurance is a compulsion. It momentarily calms anxiety but teaches the brain that the intrusive thought was dangerous. Each “Yes, you’re fine” is like feeding the disorder, not the person.
How Families Accidentally Join the Cycle
Loved ones may:
Answer the same question again and again.
Check doors, appliances, or memories “just to be sure.”
Offer repeated comfort after intrusive thoughts.
These acts feel caring but keep the cycle alive.
Better Ways to Truly Help
1. Validate the Struggle
Acknowledge the difficulty without confirming the fear.
“I can see how distressing this feels.”
2. Name the Compulsion
Gently point out what’s happening.
“I notice you’re asking for reassurance again—remember, that’s part of OCD.”
3. Practice Non-Engagement Responses
Offer calm, consistent phrases:
“I love you and I know this is hard, but I can’t answer that question.”
Stay kind but firm. This supports Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) by letting anxiety rise and fall naturally.
4. Model Calm Self-Care
Keep your own routine steady: breathing, grounding, or taking a brief walk signals safety to both of you.
Expect Some Anger—It’s Fear Talking
When reassurance stops, anger can spike. This fight response is really a fear response. The person with OCD is reacting to overwhelming anxiety, not trying to hurt you.
You can respond with a loving boundary:
“Do you realize you’re yelling at me? I know how hard this is for you, but I’m going to need you to stop or I will walk away.”
Sometimes the anger flips to compulsive apologizing. A gentle reminder helps:
“You’ve already apologized. I understand.”
The Heart of Support
Supporting someone with OCD means helping them face fear, not avoid it. By validating their struggle, naming compulsions, and holding compassionate boundaries, you give them the best chance to heal.
Ready for Extra Support?
Family involvement can make OCD treatment more effective. At Cope & Calm Counseling, we specialize in anxiety and OCD care and can help you learn these skills together. Now serving all of Connecticut virtually, including Greenwich, Fairfield, and Stamford. Offering in-person and virtual options to surrounding areas in Fairfield County including New Milford, Brookfield, New Fairfield, and Ridgefield, CT.
