"Before You Ask 'What Were You Thinking?' – Here’s What to Know About Your Child’s Brain"
When they say “I don’t know,” they might not be lying.
Understanding how the developing brain works can not only reduce frustration but also foster healthier communication between you and your child. Here's why...
I get the urge. You see your child put something from the ground into their mouth or flip every cushion off of the couch and just think, “What? Why?”. These incidents tend to happen when you are already in the middle of at least two other things and late to leave the house. Your stress level rises and anger motivates the age-old parent motto, “What were you thinking?”. They will probably either a) not answer or b) say that they do not know. The process doesn’t feel good for anyone.
Here is the thing, they probably weren’t, or not in the same way that we do as adults. It is becoming common knowledge that a child’s brain is underdeveloped, but what does that really mean? The overall mass of the organ is present at birth, so what gives?
It is true that brain matter is present at birth, but the brain isn’t “programmed” yet. Our basic functions that we need for survival (breathing, heart rate, etc.) are housed in the back of the brain. The rest of the brain develops over time through sensory experiences, the brain’s reward process, and learned outcomes of experiences. This is why little kids always seem on the move – they are guided by their senses and impulses to try new things to figure out their world.
So, why do our children seem to act without thinking? It all comes down to how the brain develops.
The executive functions of the brain (selective attention, working memory, inhibitory response) do not develop until well after the ability to engage in our environment. That is not to say that children are incapable of logical thinking or learning. Children are wired to seek positive experiences from their caretakers and gravitate toward experiences that feel good to them. Most of their decision-making is logically rooted in these goals. However, the ability to project learned experiences into the future in a conscious way doesn’t arrive for many years.
Unfortunately, even then, our brain has some systems that can override our better judgment. Our fear center sits in the very center of our brain and it has many pathways to send information to the executive functioning regions (frontal lobe) of the brain. However, the frontal lobe does not have as many connections to send information to the fear center.
What does that mean?
As information comes in through our senses, up our spines, and enters the back of our brain, information reaches our fear center first and can communicate orders to the frontal lobe well before the cognitive processing has had a chance. In other words, information can enter the fear center and motivate behavior before we have really thought about it.
Why does this matter for parents?
Many well-intentioned parents have asked, “What were you thinking?” in order to provoke a learning opportunity that will prevent similar actions from occurring in the future. However, if our fear center is activated, its messaging will be prioritized over any higher-level thinking processes. If we want our children to learn, we have to get them calm first. No one has felt calm during an interrogation with someone who can discipline them.
What do I do then?
Start by calming yourself. Of course, you’re mad that the laundry you just folded is now on the ground while the hamper is now a pretend rocket ship. Be compassionate with yourself, stop the reaction, and calm your mind and body. Deep breaths!
Be the emotional anchor for your child. Our children will learn to engage in the behavior that we model. So if we yell when we get mad, they will learn to do the same. Use the golden rule as some “reverse psychology” parenting tactic.
Explain the what, why, and how to fix it. Be super clear about what they did that you are responding to. The ground seems like a good spot for clean clothes to them, so help them understand why the dog hair-covered floor isn’t the best spot. Lastly, encourage them to be independent, allow imperfection, and guide future decisions by explaining what they can do next time they have this urge.
Key Takeaway
When your kid makes your blood boil, calm yourself first. They can’t hear you best if they are angry, scared, or stressed, and you can’t parent from a place of reasoning well if you are reacting out of anger. Focus more on what their plan is for next time rather than on what they were thinking – because chances are that there probably wasn’t much thinking going on.
Looking for specific calming strategies? Check out our free resources!
